Imagine it. The Bachelorette.

I used to have one guilty pleasure TV show, Brothers & Sisters. It's on Sunday nights when you're just sitting around drinking tea anyways and it happens to remind me a bit of my own family (except we have one mom, one dad, zero mistresses, a me, two sons, and one more daughter). However, when they started airing commercials during Brothers & Sisters for The Bachelor featuring single dad, Jason, I couldn't resist. They couldn't have casted a better bachelor . . . which got me thinking about the next season of the Bachelorette . . . 

Imagine me - as the next Bachelorette.

 

This is probably how it would go down.

The very first night I would stand in front of an aged warehouse in Bushwick. I'd be wearing a vintage floral dress with Doc Martens. In my hand would be a semi-warm Genesee Cream Ale that I would drink as I watch the men pull up in automobiles of the likes of a Mercedes Diesel, the DeLorean, and, of course, the Volvo Station Wagon. All must be technically antique (25 years or older - not the men, the cars). The men would be mostly unemployed/bartenders/artists/etc.  As they get out of their cars Yacht's 'I love a Computer' would play on a cassette tape in the background, so that it is barely heard and a little rough. Varying in weight from 80 - 130 pounds, the men would be over 24, but under 40. Most would have facial hair and be wearing flannel shirts they stole from their father with dark and/or black jeans worn at the seams. 

I'd introduce myself, tell them something strange about my childhood, offer them a canned beer, and then tell them to head into the warehouse.

A few of them would ask for more than one beer to cram into the pockets of their jeans while others would already be sipping on whisky when they walk up to me. Approximately 3 men would turn me down before meeting me and just get back in the car. I would dismiss 4 guys after simply checking out their outfit. 2 would not stop at the warehouse entrance and attempt to steal the car they were given to drive up in. 1 would be driving drunk

and pull up on the sidewalk, vomit in a dead shrub, and then pass out in front of me. Another one would give me a 4 ft' high sculpture of a stereo speaker. 7 would show up at 2 am, though they were supposed to arrive at 9 pm because they know that 2 is when the party starts to really get going. One of these would offer to give me the eyeglass tattoo I've considered.  3 guys would be guys I already met and/or already dated that thought they might like me more since some time has passed. 1 of the 3 would ask me if I made any cookies for the occasion. 

And that's just the first episode.

I stole the Mona Lisa for fun and carefully placed it back in the Louvre without anyone noticing.

Last night I had a casual dinner around the corner from my apartment with an acquaintance/friend of mine and two friends of his. We're the sort of friends that need to be in the mood to hang out, but when we do, we really like each other, except when we don't.

My acquaintance/friend Dan orders a bottle of wine for the table and we start talking, rather, they start talking. 

"Kara just got her PhD in Anthropology at Brown," says Dan. 

"Well, not quite yet, I'm still working on my dissertation, but it's coming along well," responded Kara.

"Ah, my fiance is planning to study Anthropology or Middle Eastern Studies at Colombia," piped Vivienne.

Brown . . . Columbia . . . I still can't spell the school or the country.

"Oh, I have some great friends at Columbia still. In fact, Sylvia's teaching there, no?" Kara chirped back in.

And on and on the conversation went. While Kara and Dan reminisced about Columbia, Vivienne found the opportunity to ask me about my education. 

"Ah, I went to FIT," I replied and quickly changed the subject. I now felt, to put it bluntly, stupid.

"No, no, no, that's where you went wrong," my roommate shared with me upon arriving home and sharing my short story. "You should have just lied."

We started out with casual ideas. "Say you went to Yale or some West Coast school," my roommate suggested. 

But then the gears really started moving. 

I could say anything. I got my MBA at Stern's immediately following my Bachelor's from FIT. I went to medical school when I was a pre-teen. I was inspired my the heroin addiction that overcame me at the age of 9. The series 'Doogie Howser' was based on my life. I performed my first surgery at 15. I was Elizabeth Taylor's one and only wife. I found the cure for Polio. I lived in a polyamorist community in Washington State but smoked away my millions, the first of which I made with more than a few McDonald's franchises before I was 21. I fought the French for a small island known as Reunion a few years ago and won. 

Wish I had it in me to lie sometimes.

Listen to . . .

          

M. Ward on npr here.

Addicted.

Last night I watched the feel good girl movie, 'Me Without You,' a story of two best friends that come of age together - and apart - in the eighties. 

The soundtrack is worth raving about. However, one particular song struck my fancy. It was a song I haven't heard in some time, the sort of song that transforms you into the person that listens to their iPod on the subway platform, singing and dancing to their current selection. The song is 'Just Can't Get Enough' by Depeche Mode. Man. Find it. Get it. Play it. Dance to it. Play it over and over and over. Then take a break as to not kill the song. Eat a banana with honey and peanut butter, perhaps on toast. Listen to the song again. Dance around your kitchen while bread transforms into toast. Sit down while you eat to avoid choking. Dance more. More. More.

The World's Best Rest Stop

As you may know, I was on a bit of an adventure these past few days. I traveled from New York to Philadelphia to Virginia Beach to Rochester (rather, Ontario - a tiny little town) back to New York. Well, somewhere between Philadelphia and Virginia Beach, we found ourselves in Delaware. It was about 10 am. We pulled into a large, empty parking lot. 'Dover Downs', the sign read. I was simply along for the ride, and I like to think of myself as relatively compliant, so I thought, a stop at a casino can't hurt. Of course, I don't gamble, but I do like my super coffees. Nothing like a couple shots of whiskey in your coffee to get you going in the morning. What time is it? No sign of the driver? Pour us another. We start gabbing with the bartender. Life is good. We love the bartender. We love super coffee. We love a fine bloody mary. We locate a carmate. A mother. We love her. She loves a fine bloody mary. We are drunk. We are drunk and it's only 11 am and we're in Dover Delaware in shiny leggings and old flannel shirts. We were a sight to behold, though there was no one there to see, except Bernard, the bartender. We find our driver. The only sober person about to hop in family car. We all have to pee. We exit, after downing a final bloody mary. We get in the car. I speak up, "uh, I have to pee again." We make a trip into McDonald's. We eat french fries, some beef soup, and a quarter of a root beer. We leave. We all pass out. The driver talks about us under his breath as we all sleep - for the nest 4 hours. Happy as kittens.

Hi, Atus.

Word to Atus and the Hindi speaking people of the world. When I started typing today, for unknown reasons, all of the words were instantly translating themselves to Hindi. As I don't have a large Hindi speaking audience, I decided to put it into English.

As some of you might have noticed, I've been on hiatus - traveling the East Coast - without my computer. Just as I got this thing rolling, I skip out on you, but no worries, I'll write more about Atus and our adventures from Philadelphia to Dover Downs to Virginia Beach to upstate New York soon, as in Sunday.

Talking to myself.

At least once a week I am reminded that I often use my own sort of communication methods to talk. I always use words, but sometimes I don't use the correct words or I use too many, or, often, I don't use enough. I'll begin a conversation with the middle, then switch to another story, then tell the beginning of the original and then forget the ending and tell you something about the brussel sprouts I'm planning to eat for dinner. Today, I learned what it feels like to be on the other side of a conversation lead by me. It went something like this.

Person: (looking at Blackberry and seeming pleased)

Me: Ah, good news?

Person: . . . just finished his repertoire . . . it's not like a thesis . . . 

Me: (wondering what Person will say next, feeling a bit confused)

Person: (continues looking at Blackberry) . . . it's like writing but way more difficult or maybe it's not. Maybe the thesis is much more complex, the colors.

Me: (bewildered. Will I understand if more words come or simply remain puzzled?)

Person: It's like a cult.

Me: (lost. I think to myself I will clearly not understand what Person is thinking. Backstories will be involved. Brussel Sprouts will be eaten. Tea will run out. Time will run low. Confusion will sink in serious style. It could be hours or days until I understand what Person is thinking. Are they thinking anything or are they just throwing some words into air in order to process random thoughts?)

Person: (seems satisfied with said words)

Me: I used to hide in linen closets when I was a kid.

The TV doesn't work.

We've never had a fully functional TV set in my current apartment. 

We have a TV, a PlayStation, quite possibly a Nintendo of some sorts, rabbit ears, an HD adapter?!?, and a wild mess of cordage. It can be near impossible to A. watch actual television programming and B. equally as difficult to get one of the game stations to play a DVD. Sometimes, a laptop enters the mix with the cordage and magic happens, but I don't completely understand how it all works, so usually, I just don't even try. However, a short time back and caught in a moment of desperation, we became the proud owners of a DVD player purchased from a local drug store. It works, mostly. So, I've been watching movies. I'm riding the top 10 wave til' it gets old. Please, let me know when it gets old. And if you think it's already old, forget you. I like Letterman. Oh, and don't ask questions if you think it hasn't been released on DVD. I got people, man. Also, some are old, don't hassle me, I'm not a timely person. Or an organized person. Oh, and there's one reason to watch each beside the title.

10. Milk - a wonderful man named Harvey

9. Goodbye, Lenin - East German action with an uber attractive lead actor + humor + pickles

8. I'm Not There - Bob

7. Man on Wire - Man on Wire

6. Layer Cake - English accents = and + Guy Ritchie

5. Into the Wild - reminds me of a time of incredible bliss

4. Revolutionary Road - makes you want to push yourself

3. Heima - Iceland

2. Reprise - LeTigre's Deceptacon and the party scene

1. Control - Joy Division

Banana Peels, man.

One time, when I was small, but not too small not to drive, I was driving my white '82 Pontiac LeMans with a slightly opened front hood that never quite closed due to the accident it was in with its previous owner just prior to the Hassler Family Purchase. I was driving and I threw a banana peel out the window. I suddenly thought, 'Oh man, what if a car drives over that and slips?' The thing is, I really thought this and for a moment, I thought I was endangering some other drivers' lives. I also think quite visually, so in my head I pictured a car slipping (much the way our friend stickman is slipping above) and flipping over in the air due to my throwing of the banana peel. In this short moment, I also considered turning around and picking up the banana peel. 

The moment passed.

Shortly after, there was an accident where I had thrown my banana peel.

Just kidding.

What to say when you have nothing to say.

I'm failing miserably at writing a post today, so, instead, I will compile a list of random stuff I say when I really have nothing to say. By saying these things, I still involve myself in conversation even though it may be interrupting and actual, intellectual discussion. Heck, let's make it a top 10. A top 10 list of random stuff I say, when I really have nothing to say at all. It's worth noting that the top 10 isn't really in a particular order, but a top 10 sounds good, sounds better than a list, but I didn't want you to think that number 9 is less that number 2. Maybe number 7 will be the thing that puts the biggest smile on my face. In any case, it is important to know that number 1 is indeed the best.

10. 'thats what she said'

9. 'your face'

8. 'your mom's face'

7. (action: i put my hands around my eyes like this guy. seriously. and i don't know why.)

6. 'it's hard'

5. 'makes me want to vomit all over you'

4. 'i'm a polygamist'

3. 'word' - note: i say this when i have nothing to say but also when i want to confirm that i've heard something someone has said. sort of like saying 'affirmative', though i would never use affirmative in conversation, it's wierd. 

2. i make a fish face and without fail accidentally make kissing sounds while i try to make the fish face over and over. sorry, no image for this one.

1. 

Mixtape Review.

For my birthday I thought my brother-in-law was going to give me a bottle of whiskey. Instead he gave me a mixtape. I listened to it without checking out the bands or song titles to ensure a fair listen. Here's the review of the CD he titled 'This CD will make you want bong hits . . . or ear plugs. . .'

Playlist

1. Shiver / Giant Sand

2. Don't Leave Me Now / Amparanoia

3. Ninja / Grimace Federation

4. Departure / Yolk

5. Kelly's Heroes / Black Grape

6. Emiliano and Jovita / Cordero

7. Pavement Tune / The Frames

8. Janel / Schleigho

9. Winnipeg / Martin Tielli

10. Chancellor / Gordon Downie

11. Don't Cry That Way / Frank Black

12. Acrylic / Miracle Orchestra

13. Ukranian Technological Faith Dance / Monks of Doom

14. Tell Her Lies and Feed Her Candy / The Sadies

15. Triangles on the Wall / Rheostatics

16. One Everything / Chris Murray

17. White Belly (demo) / Tanya Donelly

18. Obsession (With the Sunshine) / As Human

   About a week ago I decided to sit down and listen to the CD that my brother-in-law, Steve, put together for me. I won't lie, his aged tie dye t-shirts made me a little nervous to give a listen, but I did my best to do so with an open mind and open ears.

   I can't and won't lie. While listening to track 1, Shiver, I was a bit bored and lost interest in the song quickly, though I did not skip through. Track 2 is when he got me. And not only with track 2, but track 3 and track 4. All three featured some foreign vocals which I recently learned I completely love. I like to travel, I like to eat new food, I must like to listen to foreign languages being spoken and/or sung, in this case. Track 5 sounded like track 4 except track 5 was bad. Unfortunately for me, track 6 was worse. Track 6, Emiliano and Jovita, was the worst song on the CD and the only one that truly tempted me to click 'next'.

   Man, I hate it. He got me with a 'the' band. You know, THE Strokes, THE Walkmen, you get the idea (p.s. THE Smiths and THE Beastie Boys don't count in this generalization). Track 7 was The Frames and I loved every second of it. I sang with it. I danced to it. I nearly spilled my coffee over it.

   Ah, then a transition to track 8. It was an odd choice to play next, but I shouldn't complain about the order of the list so much (though it should be considered when creating a playlist) There are, however, certain characteristics of songs that guarantee I'll enjoy it. One is foreign vocals, the other is a flute. My favorite song on the planet is Flute Loop by the Beastie Boys (though I also have a serious soft spot for Ceremony by New Order.) Track 8 was not this, it was Janel, but it featured some flute action and for this, I enjoyed it.

   Track 9 notes taken while listening:

       disconcerning children - feel of intro - bring me down a bit more - or hook me up with one of those bong hits. improves for 10 seconds @ 1:25 - good at 3:55 - starts failing again at 4:10 - really? the ending? really?

   The playlist continues and the songs actually improve - consistently - and then sort of drop. Things worth mentioning: Track 11 made me feel like I was sitting bitch in the family station wagon while traveling to a campsite somewhere in the Adirondacks (note: this is a good feeling reminding me of my childhood.) Track 15 held a steady, mediumstyle pace and for this, I appreciated it. Track 16 somehow captured me again. I don't know reggae so well, but this had a reggae vibe to me. Track 17, no comment. And track 18, I had high expectations that weren't quite met. But then again, I usually set high standards, sort of. So maybe the playing field wasn't fair for track 18.

   I do appreciate the time and energy put into making this compilation for me. I am currently developing a response playlist to be developed and delivered by, quite possibly, Wednesday. In such a case, there may be another playlist made by Steve and this may go on for some time. Or until we run out of bands worth sharing and I just start making mixes of Mariah Carey's Greatest Hits. Steve, it's on.

What if I live all alone.

Word. I've had this idea lately that maybe I should live alone. I love having roommates and people to talk to you when I come home, but they're just a distraction, or even an excuse. Maybe I would get crazy shit done if I lived all alone.

Then, I took this thought to the next level.

What if I didn't talk to anyone, more or less. I would listen, I would interact, but when the subject turns to me, I'd switch it right back on that motherfucker. Sorry if the profanity offends anyone.

So, no one knows what your deal is. You get to take all this action in. And, I'm sure a few of your have noticed, that often times, when you keep real quiet, people totally dish. Or, if you ask just the right question, people spill it, and sometimes they spill it so much that a waterfall magically appears over the countertop. And you can do what you want with it. I mean, I wouldn't blackmail people or anything, but you would get so crazy inspired I think. Maybe I should live hermit style, in a non-hermit sort of way.

I just returned from a walk in Williamsburg.