Imagine it. The Bachelorette.

I used to have one guilty pleasure TV show, Brothers & Sisters. It's on Sunday nights when you're just sitting around drinking tea anyways and it happens to remind me a bit of my own family (except we have one mom, one dad, zero mistresses, a me, two sons, and one more daughter). However, when they started airing commercials during Brothers & Sisters for The Bachelor featuring single dad, Jason, I couldn't resist. They couldn't have casted a better bachelor . . . which got me thinking about the next season of the Bachelorette . . . 

Imagine me - as the next Bachelorette.

 

This is probably how it would go down.

The very first night I would stand in front of an aged warehouse in Bushwick. I'd be wearing a vintage floral dress with Doc Martens. In my hand would be a semi-warm Genesee Cream Ale that I would drink as I watch the men pull up in automobiles of the likes of a Mercedes Diesel, the DeLorean, and, of course, the Volvo Station Wagon. All must be technically antique (25 years or older - not the men, the cars). The men would be mostly unemployed/bartenders/artists/etc.  As they get out of their cars Yacht's 'I love a Computer' would play on a cassette tape in the background, so that it is barely heard and a little rough. Varying in weight from 80 - 130 pounds, the men would be over 24, but under 40. Most would have facial hair and be wearing flannel shirts they stole from their father with dark and/or black jeans worn at the seams. 

I'd introduce myself, tell them something strange about my childhood, offer them a canned beer, and then tell them to head into the warehouse.

A few of them would ask for more than one beer to cram into the pockets of their jeans while others would already be sipping on whisky when they walk up to me. Approximately 3 men would turn me down before meeting me and just get back in the car. I would dismiss 4 guys after simply checking out their outfit. 2 would not stop at the warehouse entrance and attempt to steal the car they were given to drive up in. 1 would be driving drunk

and pull up on the sidewalk, vomit in a dead shrub, and then pass out in front of me. Another one would give me a 4 ft' high sculpture of a stereo speaker. 7 would show up at 2 am, though they were supposed to arrive at 9 pm because they know that 2 is when the party starts to really get going. One of these would offer to give me the eyeglass tattoo I've considered.  3 guys would be guys I already met and/or already dated that thought they might like me more since some time has passed. 1 of the 3 would ask me if I made any cookies for the occasion. 

And that's just the first episode.